Dulce. October 25th. Mexiphilipinosh (Mexican/Philipino/Spanish). 15 going on 33...or 5 in California. Christian. Straight. Broadway. Television. Comedy. Logophile. Choir kid. dancerr? Cobalt blue. French fries. Crepes. Cheeseburgers. Experienced shipper. Fanfiction writer.
Fangirl extraordinaire. I make refrences to things that nobody gets.
I am also the Queen of the Red Hot Mamas.
Dancing in the backyard, koolaid mustache and butterfly wings, hearing Andrea McArdle sing from the hi-fi in the den; I’ve been waiting my whole life to find a way back to then.
Coming to high school this year, I fervently missed something. I missed the feeling of home, security and the strong confidence in oneself of elementary school. I had it all through elementary school and in middle school it only really resonated in my choir classes and my core group of friends, which was very specific.
I aimed for the sky, a 9-year-old can see so far. I’ll conquer the world and be a star; I’ll do it all by the time I’m 10. I would know that confidence, if I knew a way back to then.
Rewind to my last few months of 8th grade when I fell in love with [title of show]. I fell head over heels.
Rewind to the first day at VAPA camp when I sat contemplating if I was gonna do the camp talent show or not. I wanted to sing “A Way Back to Then”. Eventually, I decided against trying out.
So I bailed on my hometown and became a college theatre dork. I was east-bound and down moving to New York, so, I crammed my life in a U-Haul to find my part of it all.
Rewind to the first week of high school when I listened to that song and “This Time” (by Scott Alan) on perpetual repeat feeling a little out of place, but, a little bit safer in this new environment. I forgot all about finding a way back to where I wanted to be and focused more on where I needed to be at that moment in time.
But, the mundane sets in; we play by the rules and plough through the days. The years take us miles away from the time we wondered when we’d find a way back to then.
Rewind to when I had to sing to Ms. A and mixed choir and the whole choir class was turned away from me and Ms. A was the only one allowed to look. I sang “A Way Back to Then” and I felt it. I smiled and I felt it in my bones that it was going to be this choir and the people that I was to meet this year would be my way back to then.
Let’s rewind to last Friday when I was bawling because the seniors in choir were leaving. I realized that I was totally right.
And when you least expect opportunity walks through the door, you suddenly connect with the thing that you forgot that you’ve been looking for. And there you are right in the middle of what you love, with the craziest of company, you’re having a kickass time and being who you wanted to be in this world.
I have again found my home, my security, and strengthened my confidence in myself.
You’re that little girl with her wings unfurled flying again.
And now that the year is at it’s end and I look back at what I’ve done so far and I’m grateful that all of the stuff I’ve gone through has gotten me to this place and time and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Back in the backyard dancing, I found a way back to then.